Tips for helping your friend through a divorce

Your cherished friend breaks the news that he/she and her husband/wife are going through a divorce. It could be a shock or you may have seen that coming a mile away. It's so important for them to know that they have a supportive network around, even if it's just to lend an ear, be a shoulder to cry or to be a voice of reason at times. Here are our top five tips to help your friend through this difficult time in their life.

Think of what's best for your children

The Australian Institute of family studies showed that in 2017 there were 47.1% of divorces which involved children under 18 years. It's distressing for the parents, but that's nothing compared to how difficult the situation can be for their children, especially if they are exposed to conflict between their parents. Adjusting to two new households is a big challenge as it's hard enough to have your kids ready in time for school with two parents, let alone one. Getting brownie points with their kids is only going to make things worse and as difficult as it is, they should strive to keep their concerns to themselves and focus on helping their children adjust to the new routines.

Anger overrides rational thinking

Encourage them not to settle for a lawyer who will only agree with them in order to win their business. Honestly, both parties usually walk away thinking they've been hard-done-by. A win to us, is making sure clients don't pay tens of thousands of dollars to their lawyers and for this reason we first encourage our clients to resolve their matters out of the court room. We encourage participating in mediation to try and resolve the dispute.  During the process it's important to remind your friend not to make decisions in anger but to be rational and consider things from their ex-partner’s perspective. Is the time, money and extra stress worth whatever it is they are arguing over?

Be their Bonnie to their Clyde

If you've ever heard someone say their separation wasn't stressful – they're probably lying. Be a safety blanket for your friend and let them know they're not going through this on their own. Remember that your friend is going through a traumatic time in their life. They probably feel a huge loss of control. Telling them they’re making mistakes with their divorce decisions is like to telling them that they aren’t capable of making it on their own. That’s the last thing anyone needs to hear. Listen. Be empathetic. Skip the advice unless it’s openly asked for. If you are going to give advice, the best advice you can give is for your friend to rely on professionals, whether it is their lawyer or a licensed therapist.

You can exercise small gestures like:

• Show up with a meal, take them out for coffee, go to the cinemas, go for an outdoor walk or if they're up to it, take them away for a weekend. Even if they decline – keep on inviting them out.
• If they're moving, help them unpack.
• However tempting, try to resist the urge to join in on bad-talking their ex. Instead, focus on listening and validating your friend's emotions without emphasising your own judgments or opinions.
• Help out with partner-like things. Do they have an appointment with their lawyer at 3pm? Offer to pick the kids up from school.
• Recognise milestones – call on their anniversary, call on Valentine's Day. Increase your support around school holidays. Don't ignore the event hoping your friend will forget - they won't.
• Listen without judgement. 

Be there for the long-term, not just until the dust settles. People often get attention when they're first separating. Yet over time, they end up feeling alone.

What if we (my spouse and I) are friends with both of them?

This is where things can get tricky. Honestly, it is challenging to maintain both friendships, especially if you normally do things as couples. As hard as it is, try to not pick sides but at the same time, realise that you have a good chance of losing contact with one or the other as they go through the separation.

Definitely avoid conversations or stories about times you saw their ex. It will make your friend feel down, angry or excluded when they need a sense of support.

I'm struggling to find the right words to say?

We have four words for you to tell them. These are words that encompass support, understanding and empowerment - “You can do this".
Simple right? Yet highly effective.  

If you would like further information on dealing with a separation, please visit our free Family Law resources page here.